Marriage

Part 13 - Feelings Follow: Coming in from the Cold

What happens when marriages grow cold? We might say, "The love is gone, things just don't feel the same." We began an answer by drawing a concept from Scripture: feelings follow (Philippians 4:7 and 9). We must practice godliness. Then the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds.

We must therefore, work, to do what is right despite our feelings. But, you retort, I do not want to be a hypocrite. It seems hypocritical to act contrary to the way I truly feel.

How often have you gotten out of bed to go to work when you did not feel like it? Were you hypocritical then? Of course not! You are obliged to go to work and to do your job whether you feel like it or not. It is the right thing to do.

How much more the things of God? When you say the feelings of love have disappeared from your marriage, you are still under obligation, you owe it to God, to do what is right. The promise of God is that good feelings will follow doing what is right. By the same token, bad feelings will follow disobedience. It could be that you do not have the good feelings you think you ought to have is that you lack obedience. Let's look at some common examples.

I'm bored with my marriage. Boredom is a state of mind and a feeling. It may stem from a lack of activity. It may stem from a concentration on alternative activities. It may stem from hyperactivity at work or at play. Biblically, the answer is putting time into activities with your spouse. Take time to talk with one another. Take time to learn about work situations and empathize with your spouse.

Pathos is deep feeling. Sympathy is fellow-feeling. Empathy is more than these two. Empathy knits souls together. This sounds like marriage. We can work at being empathetic, rejoicing with our spouse and weeping with our spouse. Working on communication and empathy changes our feelings toward your spouse.

There is no passion in my marriage. We link passion and physical intimacy. This intimacy is a duty (1 Corinthians 7:3). Husbands and wives who take this duty seriously work on their relationship. They take time out of demanding schedules to be together. They plan special times to enjoy each other. Putting the feelings of passion back into marriage means working at being obedient to the covenant of marriage with regard to physical intimacy.

We are always fighting. James says we quarrel because there is a war going on within (James 4:1). We are lustful, selfish, and self-centered. Bad feelings inevitably follow the fighting. We need to look within and remove the log from our own eye first of all (Matthew 7:5). We are hypocrites when we demand change of our spouse but refuse to look thoroughly at ourselves and to change ourselves. By the grace of God, we must abandon anger, malice, and lust (see Colossians 3:8). We must repent of selfishness and self-centeredness. We must be servants in our marriages. Good feelings inevitably follow.

We never seem to come to agreement about anything. One thing you did agree about when you married was that you would live with your spouse according to God's commandments in the married state for the rest of your life. Having agreed with God to do this, you must follow through. Do you pray with and for your spouse? Do you read the Bible with your spouse? Agreement on other matters begins as we agree with God in Prayer over the Scripture. Work on agreement at this level and God will bring about agreement on other levels.